April 25, 2013
I want to express my deep appreciation for everyone’s love and prayers. I have been touched by each of you. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ. 

And now for the news…I met with Dr. Amy Cyr, my oncologist and Dr. Marissa Tenenbaum, my reconstructive surgeon at Barnes (Siteman Cancer Center) yesterday. They are 37 and 36 years old, and both women of faith. I consider them my “superwoman team”. We have decided on a double mastectomy which will take place in less than two weeks, on the morning of May 7, at Barnes Jewish West in Creve Couer. If all goes according to plan, I will not need further treatment, just a couple of surgeries this summer to complete the reconstruction. 

And now for the praise…Dr. Cyr told me that her and her colleagues at Barnes have never before had a patient that has had pain associated to DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma in situ). She praised my gift of intuitiveness and the fact that God allowed me to be aware of this cancer in my body and seek medical care. DCIS is not a lump and is typically only found in mammograms, which I likely would have not otherwise had until I was 40 (5 years from now). I am so blessed and thankful to have found this so soon! 

I love you all! Thanks again for spending a part of your busy lives lifting me, Jon, Zane, Peyton, Trey, my mom Lisa and the rest of my family up in prayer and thoughts. 

“Very truly, I tell you, you will weep and mourn, but the world will rejoice; you will have pain, but your pain will turn into joy.” (John 16:20)

May 6, 2013
So, tomorrow is the big day, double mastectomy day. Jon, my mom and I are traveling to St. Louis tonight. I check in to Barnes West at 7:30 AM. I will have tests on my lymph nodes at 8:30 AM and then await my surgery at noon. Surgery will take 4 hours and then hopefully I can go home after one night in the hospital. I am prayerful that surgery will do the trick and no further cancer treatment is necessary. But, I am willing to accept whatever God has in store for me. Thanks again for all of the love, prayers and well wishes. They all are helping keep me the strong faithful woman that I am. 

Psalm 27
The LORD is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid? ….One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Hear my voice when I call, O LORD; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, “Seek his face!” Your face, LORD, I will seek. I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

May 16, 2013
We received some bummer news yesterday from my breast surgeon/oncologist. Pathology from my mastectomy showed invasive cancer as well as DCIS. The good news is my lymph nodes were clear but, nonetheless, I will now require further treatment. The fear is that the invasive cancer has traveled through my blood to other areas. I am being referred to a medical and a radiation oncologist to decide further treatment. We are still waiting on receptor information which will play a role in the treatment(s) needed. Radiation is unlikely. I may be able to take oral hormone fighting drugs (if the receptors show that the cancer is estrogen fed) but most likely will need chemo. The doctor said the younger you are, the more aggressive treatment they use. 

My surgery last week has left me weak- body, mind and spirit. I cannot even sit up without help. I have lost my breasts, likely my hair is next. 

On a positive note, I really appreciate all of the prayers, support, cards, gifts, flowers, texts, FB messages, phone calls and food that has been provided to my family and I this week. I appreciate you all helping carry my burdens for a while. It has been an ongoing reminder about how God works through others. I know God has this, I know this cancer and treatments are part of his plan to grow me so I can better fulfill the purposes that he has for me. However, I am frustrated with myself because I keep slipping into my own personal pity party. Please continue to pray for me and my family’s strength, faith, and healing. 

And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” (Roman 8: 28).

May 31, 2013
Three weeks post-op and I am feeling a certain sense of normalcy. Though, I am still taking muscle relaxers and some pain meds, I have been able to do more things myself-like wash my own hair and sit-up without help. Our family has been very blessed by the loving care and compassion shown by so many! The meals brought to our home have been such a big help and one less worry for me. The many calls, FB messages, texts, and card/gifts/flowers have brought joy to our lives. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!! 

Yesterday, I had 3 Doctors Appointments. The day started out emotionally rough, with an appointment with a Radiation Oncologist. The Radiation Oncology waiting area was a grim place (filled with 60-70 people either awaiting radiation or waiting for their family members). It was a shock to realize how many people cancer affects at that one place, at that one time of day. Many of the people waiting knew each other because they sit there day-after-day waiting together. It gave me some perspective and scared me all at once. At this point I didn’t really understand why I was meeting with a Radiation Oncologist because I had been told many times that I wouldn’t need radiation. But, I met with the Dr. and he recommended six weeks of radiation M-F. I am seeking other opinions on this. 

My second appointment went better. I met with my Medical Oncologist and he said that I would definitely take Tamoxifen (an oral drug that blocks the actions of estrogen) daily for five years. He has sent my invasive cancer cells off for further genetic testing. This test will determine the likelihood that my cancer will come back and also give us more information on the aggressiveness of the cancer. My cancer, which was first diagnosed as stage 0 (zero) is now stage 2b (b-means low grade or slow growing). The great news is, it is curable. I will return to the Medical Oncologist on June 13th to hear whether or not I need Chemo.

My third appointment was with my Reconstructive Surgeon, she said everything is healing very well and they added more saline to my tissue expanders. So, I am starting to get some shape back. We discussed the negative effects of radiation to my reconstruction process.

I can feel the impact of your prayers. The idea of radiation and/or chemo is not as scary to me anymore. I am starting to accept that even though I originally wasn’t expecting this, it is a part of my journey. I have made it a practice in my life to go to God daily and surrender myself to his plan for my day. I accept that as General Patton once said, “I am a soldier, I fight where I am told, and I win where I fight.”

In closing, I wanted to share with you a couple other quotes that have touched me recently. The second one relates to my appreciation of all of you. 

Determination- by Maya Angelou
“I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it.”

Care- by Leo F. Buscaglia, Ph.D., educator
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

June 14, 2013
Wow-Life has been a rollercoaster lately! Good news is I am healing well and feeling mostly normal, most of the time. I was SO excited to meet my goal of traveling to San Antonio, TX for the Biannual National Pachyderm Convention and Board meeting. As Executive Director of the National Federation of Pachyderm Clubs I felt like a real heel thinking about the potential of missing it. My mother accompanied me on the trip, we drove (took us 15 hours each way). The trip was such a nice diversion from “cancer mode”. I actually felt normal most of the time, with those occasional reality checks of “Ouch, I am not supposed to be doing that”. When I returned home (late Sunday night) I was exhausted. Waking up on Monday morning was a reality check, back to the real world, my world of worries and the inability to make plans. My appointment where I was supposed to find out if my Medical Oncologist was recommending Chemo was Thursday (yesterday). So, I found myself waiting for Thursday. It occurred to me that when this all started my big goal was attending the Convention, now that that was over, I felt lost, “Now what, oh yeah, I need to wait to make plans after I find out about Chemo.”

So, we got up early yesterday, dropped off the boys at Summer school and proceeded to my Reconstructive Surgeon’s office (in West County) to get my temporary chest expanders filled with more saline. Then, off to South County Siteman for more blood work (a regular occurrence these days) and then to see Dr. Tabchy, my Medical Oncologist. The appointment started well with him quickly telling us “no chemo”. Jon, my mom and I had a mini-celebration and then he reviewed the latest test results. He had based his decision off of studies of 600+ women and their outcomes with chemo and with Tamoxifen (oral hormone fighting pill) only. He said that I only had a 10% likelihood of reoccurrence. He prescribed the Tamoxifen for five years and asked to see me back in 3 weeks.

Then, we proceeded to my original Breast Cancer Dr. (Cyr) to discuss the Radiation Oncologist’s recommendation of 6 weeks of Radiation (5 days a week). She really encouraged me to do the Radiation so that I reduced my chance of local reoccurrence since I only had 1 mm clear margin. I missed a couple calls while meeting with her. When I listened to my voicemail, I knew that Dr. Tabchy my Medical Oncologist wanted to speak to me again. I returned his call but did not reach him. So, this morning I tried again. Shortly after he and his nurse called me back. He has decided that he was uncomfortable with the recommendation of no chemo based on the fact that the studies were on older women. He said, “most women at 35 (he had a French accent so it sounds like he says “certified”) don’t get breast cancer, so our studies are based on the likelihood of reoccurrence in 10 years in much older patients.” He is now referring my case to the “Tumor Board” so that he and his colleagues can further discuss chemo. I will see him again on June 27 at 11 AM.

I feel a sense of peace that Doctor Tabchy is trying hard to make the best decision for me. I do not want Chemo but if they decide I need it, I feel that it will be the best decision for me. I started my Tamoxifen last night. So far, so good- 4 years, 364 days left to go.

I am reading a great book Crazy, Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr. Carr is also a young, spunky woman/cancer survivor. I am excited to be going to the Relay for Life tonight at Arena Park.

June 28, 2013
We finally got a treatment plan yesterday. I start Chemo next Friday, July 5. I will go up Monday at 7AM and get my port put in. I will have four chemo treatments over a period of three months, once every three weeks. Then, I will wait three weeks and begin daily radiation in StL. We had planned on going on our two week vacation to Montana, Colorado and South Dakota starting tomorrow, but that will just have to wait for now. Needless to say, my calendar is pretty full for the next quarter.

The rationale for the chemo is it is my best chance of beating this once and for all. Otherwise, they feel it will show up somewhere else. I choose LIFE. I choose to be around for Jon and the boys…and for all of you (whether you like it or not)  : ).

We (my mom, Jon and I) went wig shopping yesterday. That was fun. We bought two wigs. One is auburn with bangs, and one is dark brown with no bangs. Both are shoulder length and way thicker than my real hair. I will probably start losing my hair the second week of July. But, I look forward to not having to wash it every day. I may not have to shave my legs or armpits either, what a time saver! Did you know that your nails can fall off too? I won’t have to worry about manicures for a while.

I continue to enjoy Kris Carr and her Crazy Sexy Diet and Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips. She too has a good humor about Cancer and all the fun that comes with it. She has a posse of young women who are also Cancer survivors. I wish we had a group for young people with cancer here locally. Maybe I should start one. Know any other young survivors near here? I met one 41 year old at the Relay for Life.

I have been eating vegan (plus no sugar, caffeine, processed food, and gluten) for the last 11 days! It is part of my twenty-one day Crazy Sexy Detox. I have been drinking green juice made from kale, celery, cucumbers, apples, pears, ginger, romaine, etc. every day for 11 days. I no longer need my energy drinks. The nutrients give me plenty of energy. I have really been focusing on wellness and preparing my body for the impending war (chemo and radiation). I like having this control, since so much about cancer leaves me not in control.

Spiritually I feel stronger than ever. Thanks again for the many prayers! I will not move. I will not be shaken. I will stand like a mountain on God’s promise.

“Those who trust in, lean on, and confidently hope in the Lord are like Mt. Zion which cannot be moved but abides and stands fast forever. As the mountains are round about Jerusalem, so the Lord is round about His people from this time forth and forever.” (Psalm 125:1-2)

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

July 5, 2013
Day 1 of 84 of Chemo is over (4 treatments over three months, with three weeks to heal in between). I received my first chemo infusion yesterday. We arrived at South County Siteman at 10:30AM and departed at 2:30PM. So far, so good, other than a little weakness I am feeling o.k. I have to take a shot this afternoon to help body make new white blood cells. I have heard from a few survivors that the effects from the shot are kind of rough but I am keeping my hopes up that body will behave, and be strong. I think I may have annoyed a few chemo patients yesterday with my goofy attitude. I hope to keep my sense of humor up. “My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” —2 Corinthians 12:9

I wore one of my two awesome prayer shawls during my treatment. Thanks to Karen Skaggs and Shannon Wilcox for this one! I will sport my shawl from my friend Linda Garner next time. These are awesome!!! So special, so much thought, hard work and prayer put in to each stitch.

I am so blessed by so many people. Thanks to fellow survivor Judy Settle for having lunch with me this week and taking me to American Cancer Society where I got another wig and some cute turban-type soft hats to wear. I am also truly blessed to have people like Cheryl Reinagle whom I didn’t really know before, but prayerfully reached out to connect me to fellow chemo-babe Kim Bunger (It is truly amazing how God works!).

“For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” (Matthew 18:20)

I have enjoyed connecting with someone else who is just a little older than me, she has three boys, and is just a couple weeks ahead of me on her treatments. The coolest thing about Kim is she and I are adhering to the same diet principles eating mostly raw fruits and veggies and juicing. I am encouraged by how well Kim is persevering. But, it doesn’t surprise me because she is so positive and God-filled.

I appreciate everyone who sent me names of other younger survivors as well. I also appreciate all of the survivors whom have reached out to me. You are all blessings!

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
³     He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name’s sake.

⁴ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

July 25, 2013
Made it through day 20 of 84 of chemo. Today, is day 21 and I will have my second chemo infusion, I start at 10:45 today. I am looking forward to knocking treatment #2 of 4 out. Treatment #1 had its ups and downs. I felt great the day of treatment, but on day 2, when I had my Neulasta shot to restore my white blood cells, I began to endure the horrible side effect of bone pain. This is caused by the white blood cells being rebuilt in my bone marrow. For several days after the shot, I could barely stand which stunk when I had to make my many trips to the bathroom. I had severe diarrhea for 6 straight days. This then depleted my muscles of much needed nutrients. So, by day 6, when my bones were feeling much better, I began to pull my large muscles by just walking and going from sitting to standing. I talked to my medical oncologist and he suggested a diet of white rice (not on my cleanse diet, because it is processed), 5 large bottles of Gatorade a day (not on my cleanse diet because of the dye and sugar) and white toast, which he (who is French Canadian) referred to as grilled bread (white, bread is also processed). At this point I was on  my final week of my 21 day cleanse and I knew these items would send my body in to shock, but since my medical oncologists is approaching my care from a purely western medicine approach, I knew he wouldn’t understand. I promptly called fellow chemo babe Kim Bunger, whom I met through this journey, and we brainstormed how to convert his suggestions to usable suggestions for me. Kim is also eating a mainly plant based diet (flexitarian) and juicing. She has been eating healthy for a few more months than me and is three weeks ahead on the exact same treatments. After a little research we discovered that coconut water was an excellent source of electrolytes, sans the dye and sugar of sports drinks and I opted for a large baked potato with salt and a couple pieces of sprouted whole grain toast for dinner. My diarrhea ceased and my muscles improved over night. Other manageable side effects included my face breaking out in horrible acne and a decrease in appetite (but I am not complaining about the weight loss, especially given all of the steroids I am taking : ). After the first week, I felt GREAT! I have had two great weeks and I am hopeful that I will better manage the pain and side effects on the second go-around.

Other notable good things that have happened over the past 20 days, is my half-sister, Marissa Kridelbaugh and her husband Jon welcomed their second baby girl, Lily this week. I also was in a commercial for the American Cancer Society to promote the upcoming cancer gala. We had a lot of fun filming. Fellow chemo babes Kim Bunger and Jenny Hinkebein and fellow cancer survivors Dolores Bohnsack, Pris Mabuce, and Joyce Penny also starred. We had so much fun filming! We were all a little goofy. I attended my Republican Women’s Club meeting for a little while, the Cape County Tea Party meeting and my SEMO Pachyderm meeting! Oh, and I lost my hair, well most of it. So far, I have opted not to shave it, but I did have my hair dresser- Retta Shild cut it short so it is manageable as it continues to fall out. I learned from my friend Dolores that her hair never came completely out, and my friend Kim still has a little as well. Mine is very thin, I can’t go without a head covering or wig but I appreciate the little that I have…for now. Retta also helped trim my wigs so that they better framed my face. We had a lot of fun. It took us 2 hours and 15 minutes, on her day off, to cut my hair, two wigs and one halo (cool partial hair that can be worn under head coverings, it is bald on top so it is cooler than traditional wigs. Then, she gifted me my services. I was very touched. I tried arguing to get her to take my money but she started crying, so I stopped. I am managing my hair loss very well. I will manage it even better when my air conditioning in my car gets fixed, it is at the shop now, not the best time to have it stop working : ), kind of hot wearing a wig or hat on my head, while driving without air in high heat! Good way to sweat out toxins though. I also have made it to my Restorative Yoga class the last two weeks. Though things are a little different since my breast reconstruction and the addition of my port in my chest, I am enjoying being back! The instructor, Judy Grier has been very helpful helping me modify my poses.

My hair may be mostly gone but my face/skin now looks gorgeous! I had been on a journey to find new makeup and skincare, because I had to throw out/donate most all of my old products, including my favorite shampoo, because they all contained parabens (which converts to estrogen mimicking hormones when they hit my skin). Estrogen is what fed my cancer. One of my best friends, Monica McLain-Duncan helped me find L’Bri cosmetics. They are all natural, aloe vera based products. She contacted local distributor and arranged for her to come out to my house and let us play in her products. My mom, Monica and I instantly fell in love. My skin is now the best it has ever been. I am so glad I found this new skincare, makeup, body wash and lotion. The distributor was so sweet and helpful. We even got to count it as a party and I got lots of cool free stuff!!!
Update 2/2/2022 I now sell L’Bri, if interested visit http://lbri.com/hollylintner

Looking forward to getting this week over, so I can get to my two good weeks. It is a bummer but, my hubby Jon will be gone for work all week! But, my mom will be here with me. Here we go, I will be so glad to reach the half-way mark, but I am enjoying the journey along the way.

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” (Romans 12:12)

“But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)

July 26, 2013
Thanks for all the support from yesterday’s post. I had my second round of chemo yesterday. My Medical Oncologist gave me a great report and said my blood work was “better than normal”. Although, he did bust me on my completing my 21 day cleanse while starting chemo. He said, “I got to thinking after I talked to you about your severe diarrhea (he had called to check on me), are you doing the China Study Diet (which he had previously mentioned to me, but told me not to start until after treatment).”  I glanced at my mom and Jon and we were all smiling, then I replied, “Not exactly, but I was finishing my last week of the 21 day cleanse from the Crazy Sexy Diet (which I started before I knew about chemo and I am NOT a quitter). He and his Nurse Coordinator busted into laughter, we joined in and all had a good laugh. Then he sternly told me to “eat normal”. I told him I was not being as crazy now that my cleanse was over. My thought after I left his office was, if my blood numbers are better than normal and I feel good, no harm, no foul, right? Other than the 6 days of loose bowels and my severe acne, which I am hoping was related to the cleanse and will not reoccur, I did well during my first round.

They gave me a private room for my treatment yesterday so my mom, Jon, and my best friend from college, Kelly Myers all got to be with me this time, rather than taking turns, one at a time. It was nice getting to be with everyone. This time, I sported my prayer shawl lovingly made by my friend Linda Garner. I am also sporting my new Chemo Abbey Cap. It may not be my best look, but it is the most cool and comfortable. I ordered a few more colors in this one. I will post pictures of my wigs when I wear them again. But, wigs are hot in the summer! Good news is my car’s air conditioning is fixed and I have my car back.

I was touched by my friend Cheryl Reinagel. She always sends me supportive texts, and scriptures. Last night, she text me a picture of her Vera Bradley Breast Cancer purse, which she bought and had the initials of all of her cancer friends, that she has been praying for, embroidered on it. She can’t wait for people to ask her about the initials. It is so great to have so many prayer warriors on my side.

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. …” (Roman 1:5)

August 17, 2013
I kicked off the 3^rd Quarter of Chemo yesterday with a bang. I wore a very bright, long dress, my bright pink Abbey cap, blingy pink shoes and earrings. I brightened everyone’s day the moment I entered South County Siteman. I received countless comments about how good I looked and how bright and cheerful I was. I also wore my new Premier Jewelry necklace which I received as a very sweet gift from Kristi Urhahn. It has a heart and cross, so special. My dear friend Molly McCann came to visit me during my treatment yesterday. I enjoyed our visit and lunch.

Next time I enter South County Siteman, I will be there for my fourth and final chemo treatment! They have a special bell for you to ring when you “graduate”. I heard someone ring the bell yesterday and there were lots of cheers. It kind of reminded me of when you are at the Hospital and you hear the lullaby recognizing a new birth.

I continue to thrive. I have a little indigestion again, like last time, but otherwise just a little fatigued. I am completely bald on my head now, other than a little peach fuzz that has emerged since I shaved. I still had a few strands of hair but was inspired by Kelly Winder’s beautiful head on Middle School Enrollment day. Kelly and I had not met in person, but she had previously reached out to me via FB. I was intrigued when I saw her and her son walk by, but I wasn’t sure who she was at the time. Later, while Zane was getting his school picture made, we were in the same line and she approached me and said, “You are Holly” and then she introduced herself. We related to our boys that they had something in common. As fate would have it, they are in the same homeroom and they were in the same classes at Summer School this summer. Cool how things like that work out! I will say though, that my bald head is not nearly as pretty as hers, but she has finished her chemo and has some hair that has grown back, so maybe there is still hope!  : )

Many thanks for all the well wishes, support and kind comments. I really enjoy hearing from everyone.

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12)

May the God of your hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing [through the experience of your faith] that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing (bubbling over) with hope. (Romans 15:13)

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18)

August 30, 2013
I appreciate everyone who has been checking in on me. Sorry for the lull in posts. I definitely had a little tougher time, endurance-wise with the third treatment. But, I am regaining my strength. I have been making my morning juice and eating healthy (most of the time) : ).  I missed two weeks of Restorative Yoga but I made it this week! Hopefully, my steroids-which I start again next Wednesday, do not keep me from attending next week. I always feel amazing afterwards!

Next Thursday is bell ringing day, aka my last chemo treatment!!! I look forward to closing this chapter and moving on to my next-to-last phase, Radiation, which will be followed by my final surgery 6 months after Radiation is complete. I feel SO blessed to have stayed healthy and semi-productive throughout this entire ordeal. Thanks so much for your encouragement and prayers!  

Congratulations to my friend and fellow chemo babe Kim Bunger for completing her last treatment on August 19^th! Her friend Kay came down from KC and we had a little mini party in the infusion room. We even fake rode on the chemo-pole, like in that cool music video that I posted on July 30.  I felt really tired that day, but I am so glad God gave me the strength and my mom drove me in to hang with Kim!

“Now when the woman saw that she was not hidden, she came trembling; and falling down before Him, she declared to Him in the presence of all the people the reason she had touched Him and how she was healed immediately.” (Luke 8:47)

“And He said to her, ‘Daughter, be of good cheer; your faith has made you well. Go in peace.'” (Luke 8:48)

September 5, 2013
I am so excited to have graduated from chemo today! I rang the bell four times (one for each chemo treatment) with pride. I had “confetti” (actually Styrofoam packing peanuts) dumped on my head, to which I promptly asked my nurse “you don’t expect me to pick those up now, do you : )”? I was presented a certificate. I am supposed to get a t-shirt as well but they only had size small today. So, I am supposed to pick that up the next time I am there. There was a large crowd of nurses, patients, my Medical Oncology Doctor, Medical Oncology Nurse, Chemo Nurse and my loving husband, mother and biological father, Greg. You will have the watch the cool video that my husband worked on to document our day. 

I wore another bright pink dress today along with my favorite red wig. It was complimented by a really cool necklace, earrings, and bracelet that was given to me along with a lot of other cool pink ribbon stuff by my Uncle Steve and Aunt Shelia Wisdom, Cousin Shelli and Jason Allen, and Cousin Steven and Barbie Wisdom. During my Doctors’ visits, you will see me dressed in my own pink hospital gown which my Doctors love. 

There were two really cool God-things that happened to day. The first was while I was waiting for my chemo, there were two other women in the waiting room, an older woman in her 70s and a younger 42 year-old. I had over-heard the older woman tell another patient (before she was called back) that she would take treatments the rest of her life. Then, she asked me about my treatments and I told her that I was ringing the bell today. Then the 42 year-old spoke up and said that was great for me, that she too would take treatments the rest of her life. She was on her second round of breast cancer and was stage 4. I took a moment to reflect and again praise God for allowing my intuition to lead me to get a mammogram even though I was under 40, because if I would have waited until 40, I too would have likely been stage 4 and facing a lifetime of treatments.

Then, while I was waiting for my appointment with Dr. Cyr, my surgical oncologist (the one that made my diagnosis, has championed my care and crafted my team) two women and little girl came out of the Doctors office, the older woman (Grandma) shouted “blessings to everyone, because we all need blessings today”. Meanwhile this beautiful 2 ½ to 3 year old girl (whom I learned was named Trinity) looked back at me and made a bee-line to my lap. She was absolutely precious. She sat on my lap and loved and snuggled on me. I believe she was my gift of direct love from God on this special day, a reward for my perseverance and faith. What a precious gift it was! Trinity never said a word, she only looked at me deeply and loved on me.

Before I left Dr. Cyr’s office in Big Barnes/Center for Advanced Medicine, I had to revisit the place where it all started. The day I first visited Dr. Cyr for my biopsy I spent four hours in a waiting room, alone (no men aloud, so my loving husband had to spend the day in the Doctor’s waiting room, while I was in the diagnostic waiting room). I was going in and out of mammograms, ultrasounds, and biopsies and I was scared. What scared me the most is this wall of framed tiles (See a sample of these tiles below). The tiles had been hand-painted by breast cancer patients and they said things I wasn’t ready to accept, things like, “Life? or Locks? Cancer? or Treatment?” Along with many beautiful statements like, “God is love, so I love you.” But, that day, when I was scared and alone, I only saw the scary stuff like “forget me not”. After I left that day with my initial diagnosis and for many days after, I reflected on those tiles that tormented me those four long hours. So, today, standing on the other side of losing my breasts and hair, being bloated by steroids and other drugs, having a second chance at life and SO many of God’s blessing-like each of you, I visited those tiles and took a picture, because now I have an appreciation and understanding for every tile! After my diagnosis, I wasn’t ready to accept losing my breast and hair. But, piece by piece, God lead me to acceptance, peace and many blessings!

 

“Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that you may do the will of God and receive what is promised. “For yet a little while, and the coming one shall come and shall not tarry; but my righteous one shall live by faith, and if he shrinks back, my soul has no pleasure in him.” But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and keep their souls.” (Hebrews 10: 35-39)

“For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way, bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.” (Colossians 1:9-12)

September 23, 2013
My radiation preparation began yesterday with a full-day of tests and Doctors. We arrived at Barnes-Center for Advanced Medicine (CAM) at 10:00 AM where I started the fun with pulmonary tests, testing my lung and CO2 capacity. Then, on to see my Radiation Oncologist where I was warned of the risks and what to expect. Next, came the fun part. I was taken into a room where I was asked to lie on a cold, hard table, with my arms above my head, bearing my chest. The Radiation Therapists (RTs) proceeded to make pillow molds and ear molds to help with my alignment for radiation. They began to draw on my chest, sides and stomach with permanent marker, followed by the Resident doing more drawing, and the Radiation Oncologist doing even more drawing, and the RTs tracing over that with a blue paint pen and then adding all sorts of tape to the mix. Then came the tattoos- little freckles that they burned into my skin in six different places. Have you ever been burned by a cigarette? That is what it felt like. Then they took all sorts of photos of me, yes bald and topless-FUN! When they were done I walked into the waiting room dazed and confused, but very brightly colored. I look like a kindergarten art project. The best part is they asked me to leave the paint on. Is it turtleneck weather yet? One of the bright blue lines extends up to my clavicle. So, let’s recount my new and improved looks:

Scarred chest-check
Steroid induced weight gain-check
Bald-check
Blue paint and tattoos on chest- check

I really am smiling as I am writing this, it really is quite comical. Thank goodness I no longer take myself seriously!

The last few weeks have been exhausting. Old (workaholic) Holly peaked through as I have been trying to keep up with too much. I had a long work week last week, which kept me from focusing on my chemo symptoms, followed by a long work weekend. I had to go to Kansas City to the Midwest Republican Leadership Conference where Pachyderms had a very successful weekend exhibiting, hosting hospitality suites and the Saturday evening dinner featuring former Congressman, Lt. Col Allen West. This week remained busy and now I am pooped. I am putting myself in a time-out this weekend. I also started my Tamoxifen on Wednesday. I will take this drug for five years to fight off the estrogen, which fed my Cancer.

My six week, five-days-a-week Radiation journey begins Oct. 1. Just before Thanksgiving I will get to ring the Radiation bell. Then, I will recover for six months and wait with anticipation for my final reconstructive surgery. No matter what, I am keeping a smile on my face most of the time. I had a few weepy seconds yesterday, when the RTs stepped out to do my CT Scan, but I recovered quickly and was back to finding the humor in it all before I got off of that now slightly warmer table. I was in such a hurry to get out of that hospital (it was now 2:15 PM and I hadn’t had lunch) that I forgot the blood work order in my bag. So, as we were pulling out of the parking garage I shouted “Oh–my thorax (the blood test to check my thyroid)!” So, back into Barnes I went for more fun.

“And he said to them, ‘Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.’ For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.” (Mark 6:31)

“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy – meditate on these things.” (Philippians 4:8)

October 13, 2013
I started radiation on October 1. It makes for a very busy, exhausting week trying to manage the trip to St. Louis for treatment every day and fit in the rest of my life.

My first day was a little unnerving. I had really prepared myself for what to expect. I checked in at South County Siteman and received my scan card which I scan every day to let my Radiation therapists know I have arrived. Then, I head back to the dressing room where I put my hospital gown on, store my things in a locker and sit and wait for my therapist. After verifying my name, birthdate and area of treatment (everyday), I remove my hair, sit on a cold, hard table, take my arms out of my gown and bare my chest for the 2-3 therapists in the room. My regular therapists’ names are Leon and Arvis. They spend 10 or so minutes positioning and preparing me for treatment. They put a hot bolus (thin, sticky, rubbery material) on my breast area to help direct treatment. Then, they leave me in a room with a large piece of octopus like equipment. The octopus tentacles all have unique gadgets on the end. Those gadgets swirl around me for 10-15 minutes taking images that aid in my positioning. The table occasionally jerks left or back as it ensures that I a positioned perfectly every time.  Then, there is a pause just before the machines kick on. The sound of an electronic whirring or buzzing lets me know that radiation has officially began. The large (2.5 ft. in diameter) round tentacle hovers from my left, to straight above, to my right. Inside the round face, behind glass, are 75-100 metal teeth that move in concert. They adjust how wide and narrow they allow treatment to pass through. I call this tentacle Oscar, because of his round O-like shape and his metal teeth growling at me. Oscar sits about a foot and a half from me as he does his job. The room is cold, but thank goodness they cover me with warm blankets. I had to get on to Leon several days because he always leaves my toes out of the covers. I told him that I felt like a corpse, and suggested he bring me a toe tag to complete the look. After about 20 minutes of Oscar’s work the machines kick off and a therapist reenters the room to lower my table, remove my bolus and warm covers and tell me to get up. Some days I sit right up, some days I need help.

The second week of treatment went pretty much the same until Thursday. Thursday a Doctor whom I had never met before came in after I was positioned for treatment and questioned the therapists on my positioning. Then she told me that my images from the previous day were off and they were going to leave the room and do more imaging. I laid alone in the room for 25 minutes, before the machines kicked on. The silence and lack of human contact was upsetting. Finally the machines kicked on. At this point my arms (which were above my head), neck and tailbone hurt SO badly. After an hour total I was helped off the table. I was told that my tissue expander had shifted. My Radiation Oncologists later called and told me that because of the shift I was going to have to do a re-simulation so they could figure out how to get to some critical tissue that the tissue expander is now covering. So, on Friday, rather than going up for treatment, I went back to big Barnes to get drawn on and mapped out again. At this point I am not sure when treatment will resume. But, I will enjoy the break.

I am struggling with feeling overwhelmed. The trips and the treatment are leaving me very fatigued. This is also my busiest time of the year for my job. I pray after my break that I will find a better stride. I am very thankful for my family and friends that are helping with the driving. I look forward to Thanksgiving, when this should all be behind us.

My hair is beginning to grow back. So far it looks mostly silver. I pray it gets thicker and finds some more pepper for my salt. I am only 35 but genetically began greying, like my grandmother at 30. I will be on a mission for safe hair dye when it gets long enough to color.

“Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.” (James 1-3)

“That the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” (1 Peter 1:7)

December 4, 2013
Treatment is over, but cancer has left me emotionally wounded. With scars that go far beyond the physical. I have not written this before because I was trying to remain so positive throughout this journey. However, so many of you have told me that you have learned so much from my brutal honesty. You shared that it has helped you better understand cancer and be a better friend and support system to others who have been diagnosed. So, I feel it is unfair for me not to share this with you. I have tried to remain so strong throughout this…tried to be a warrior. But, the truth is I am struggling.

Like a wounded soldier, I am scared about what my future holds. My body is no longer my own. These boobs are not mine, not even my husband recognizes me when I am unclothed. These boobs are strangers living in our house. One thing I have never shared publicly and many don’t know is when they do a double mastectomy for ductal cancer, they take your areolas and nipples too (sorry for getting so personal and graphic, but you need to know). I feel such a disconnect with these things on my chest. Although this did help me feel less uncomfortable when I was bearing myself day-after-day for the many radiation therapists, Doctors, nurses, medical residents, etc., etc..

Radiation was the hardest part of my battle. Every weekday, for six weeks, I woke up, got dressed, traveled to St. Louis, unclothed, sported my hospital gown and laid in a very cold room, isolated with only a large machine for 30-40 minutes. Then I left tired and traveled home. The world around me didn’t stop. My responsibilities still mounted as I grew weaker physically and emotionally. Then came the burns. For the last month I have been treating burns, first under my arm and between my “breasts”, then under my “breast”, now on top of my “breast”. During and even after my radiation subsided I had to go up to St. Louis daily to have my burned skin bereaved (that means have the nurse peel the damaged skin off with wound cleanser and gauze). Rather than bras, I have had to wear flexi-net and large abd pads smeared with Aquafor, talk about a wardrobe challenge.

I am a hugger, but hugs haven’t felt very good for a while now. I need the affection and tactile communication but please be gentle and don’t squeeze me too hard. My boys often forget this.

When I finished chemo, I celebrated that I didn’t lose my eyebrows and eyelashes, but weeks later, those came out. I also was happy that my nails looked so healthy and then all at once they broke off 1/3 of the way back, in the quick. And my skin is still so dry from the chemo meds. My hair is starting to grow back, but it isn’t pretty. And then there is the weight gain, even though my food intake is half of what it used to be. I hope to build my strength up so I can be more active soon.

I get my port removed next week. I look forward to not having that lump under my skin. I also look forward to seeing my Plastic Surgeon on Dec. 19 to discuss my next reconstructive surgery, which can’t happen for at least 6 months (to allow time for my skin and muscle to heal from radiation).

Despite it all, I wouldn’t change my journey. Because it is MY JOURNEY. I know God has his plans. I have learned many lessons. Thanks to Stacy Swimp for being the first to help me realize that I needed to “let others help carry my burden”. Stacy immediately gave the glory to God. Taking that first step to share this journey with each of you was hard. But, I am SO glad I did! You have blessed me in so many ways through your kind words, support, gifts, food, time, visits, calls, love, prayers, prayers, more prayers. Thanks to Monica McLain-Duncan, who drove me to Radiation every Friday. I know it was a sacrifice giving up the work day. I am blessed to have had lots of time with my Mom Lisa Yeager as we have spent many hours and days on the road together. I also got to know my biological father Greg Hill better on our Thursday trips. This time was precious. Thanks to my loving husband, Jon Lintner who has picked up the slack for me over the last 6 months as well as helped me dress my wounds (both physical and emotional). Shout out to my Radiation Team, Arvis Moore, Leon Pinder, Tammy and Kelly, even though I hated radiation, I love you!  Much love also to my nurse Jennifer and receptionist Erica.

I have met and made connections with so many amazing, spiritual people. Some of you, I have met in person and some of you only through Facebook, but each of you have played a key role in my journey. Thanks for being a conduit of God’s love.

My relationship with God and my faith has grown exponentially. I can’t wait to see how this journey helps me better serve him. I am confident that all my wounds will heal with time and I will continue to recognize the many blessings that cancer brought me. 

December 31, 2013
Though not what I expected 2013 has been a journey full of valuable lessons -lessons of the mind, body and spirit. I have been pushed to my breaking point in each of these areas this year. God has broken my mind, body and spirit into tiny little building blocks, left in a pile of rubble at times, and then he has allowed me to very carefully rebuild. A process that will continue for years to come. My mind, weakened from feelings of exhaustion, defeat, depression, solitude and lack of physical health. My body ravished by surgeries, drugs, radiation and lack of strength. My spirit dampened by mortality. But, despite it all, I know I am better than ever. 

I have learned many lessons. My first of these lessons is what started this journey. 

LESSON #1  QUIET YOUR MIND, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY
I had sensed that my right breast felt different for quite some time. It was more tender and fibrous. However, I was too busy to really think about it long enough to act on it. But, finally, in a day of solitude, it occurred to me that I should really get that checked out. I hadn’t even had my annual exam in over a year, so I decided to start there. Luckily, I did. Even though my mind was telling me, “you are only 35. They tell you not to screen for breast cancer until 40. You don’t have a lump, they tell you to report a lump” But, listening to my body won. When my mind was silenced I knew something felt wrong. My Surgical Oncologist later told me that her and her colleagues had never had a patient come to them reporting symptoms of Ductal Carcinoma (breast cancer that is usually only found via mammograms). 

Around 2008-09 I began feeling puffiness in my right underarm. I told my Doctor and she too agreed it seemed fuller than expected. She sent me for an ultrasound of my arm pit. I was told there was nothing there so I got used to the puffy feeling. I ignored the signs. Looking back, I should have kept exploring that feeling. I believe my slow growing cancer was presenting signs many years ago. So, I beg you, please regularly quiet your mind, and scan your body. If you believe something is wrong, follow your gut.

LESSON #2  WE LIVE IN A TOXIC WORLD
After my diagnosis, I did a ton of reading and research on natural healing and wellness. What I learned from the countless resources that are rarely publicized (yet millions have written about it) is that we live in a very toxic world. There is bad stuff all around us- from the air we breathe, water we drink, food we eat, makeup and skin/hair products we put on our skin (our largest organ), laundry and dish detergents, household cleaners, toothpaste, deodorant (most made with aluminum, that seeps into our blood stream and slowly poisons us), etc. I have spent the last 8 months ridding my life of as many of these toxins as I can. It is a shame that there is SO much research done on the harmful effects yet big corporations are allowed (driven by the almighty dollar) to put products into our markets that have known toxic chemicals and effects. 

Want to live a healthier life? Abandon most big-name brands and scan the shelves for products that say “all natural”, or “paraben-free” (usually found on the top or bottom shelf, the big-name brands occupy the eye-level space). Get a good water filter, stop using products like Bath & Body and Clinique, they are bad for you! My professional shampoo, which I paid good money for, had three forms of parabens in it. For two years I have bathed in parabens, which convert to estrogen when it hits our skin and alters your hormones. My cancer was fed by estrogen. 

Speaking of hormones, have you thought of how many genetically modified, hormone-laden meats and dairy that you have fed your family this year? Look for meat and other food that says, “no GMOs”, “hormone-free”, and “all natural”. I could go on about this for hours but all of this information is readily available in books. A good place to start is by reading Clean by Alejandro Junger, M.D.

Other non-product related toxins that affect our health are mental toxins, AKA stinkin’ thinkin’. We can make ourselves unhealthy by laboring on negative thoughts and things that will likely never even happen. Dr. Junger says that research proves that when we think about something bad that may happen, our heart rate and stress level raises just like it would if it was actually happening. So, live in the now. Enjoy life. Turn your troubles over to God.

LESSON #3  BE GOOD TO YOURSELF
I have had to personally learn “don’t sweat the small stuff.” I used to get caught up in the sin of perfection. When I didn’t feel well I had to learn that there are a lot more important things to achieve that perfection. With the loss of my hair and chemo-brain I had to learn to not take myself so seriously. I had to put my ego in its place. Who cares if you don’t look like everyone else? Be yourself. Who cares if people stare? They probably are only looking with compassion and love, not judgment. And if they are judging, who cares?!? It doesn’t affect your self-worth or value. 

It is okay to show vulnerabilities. I used to think I was so mentally strong. I would cloak any imperfections or signs of weakness and I would rather struggle carrying the load than ask for help or delegate tasks. Luckily, I learned in the first week of this journey that it is important to allow others to help carry your burdens. I did not know if I wanted to be open about this journey, but I am so glad I turned some of the burden over to you, so that you could help pray me through and support my family and I along the way. No one should have to struggle alone. Let God’s other children help shepherd you along the way!

My lifelong struggle has been maintaining balance. This year has helped me better prioritize and focus on what matters most first. If there are things in your life that are not for your highest good, then let them go!
I have also learned to look for the lessons in the journey. Approach every struggle in your life from the angle of a life-long learner. Always seek where the growth opportunities are in tough situations. 

LESSON #4 TRUST IN GOD’S PLAN
Many of you may not know that I have had two dads in this life. My dad, Greg Hill was my father a birth. I met my dad Bruce Yeager at the age of 18 mos. At the age of 6 it was decided by my parents that I would be raised by my mom and her husband Bruce. So, Bruce legally adopted me. He raised me to be the strong, independent, virtuous woman that I am. He bathed me, fed me, and drove me to school and doctor’s appointments. After I moved away to college he and I became very close. He was my hero. But, sadly God needed him more on the other side. 

For years as a young child and teen I struggled with understanding why Greg abandoned me. I wondered if I wasn’t good enough. I filled my lack of knowing with anger towards him. This anger built up so strongly inside me that it was harming me spiritually and in every earthly relationship I had. Since I was 18 Greg and I have tried to get to know each other, but I kept throwing up walls and not trusting him and his motives. Our relationship has been very rocky for the past 17 years. He was trying but my long-standing anger was in the way. While Bruce was sick, Greg’s ex-wife Wanda was called by God to teach me about Grace. She drove to Cape, took me out to lunch and preached at me about how this anger was affecting every relationship in my life (it was affecting my health too). She urged me to let it go. I was not ready, my hero (dad Bruce) was dying. It took over four years to slowly creep in, but I now understand the importance of forgiveness and Grace. 

God uses serious illnesses and major surgeries to help mend hearts and relationships. Throughout this year God had allowed me to see Greg’s true heart, his care and concern for me and my well-being. He has showed up to my surgeries, my chemo and radiation graduations and has driven me to treatments. Going into this year, I still felt that we were strangers. I felt awkward around him. I felt guilty that I was “cheating on my dad.” I felt like Bruce was looking down on me and feeling slighted. But, this journey has allowed me to fully embrace that I was blessed with two dads and there is nothing wrong with that! My journey has freed me from the pain, anger and awkwardness and allowed Greg and I to make up for lots of lost time. I believe that Bruce has had a hand in this healing and is smiling down on us now. And, I believe that this was all God’s plan.

On Sunday, I planned to go to my church in Poplar Bluff, First Baptist Church, where I have attended and had a membership since I was six years old. My mom was meeting my family there. We were not aware that they had combined church services and were having one service at 10:30 (rather than the usual 10:45). Jon, the boys and I arrived at 10:30 and entered the foyer. The sanctuary doors were closed and I could hear talking so I assumed that the earlier service was finishing up. Finally I asked and was told that church started at 10:30 and was a combined service. We entered the sanctuary and I scanned for seats for 6. I spotted two partially empty pews, one in front of another. Then as I led my family down the aisle I noticed that occupying one of those pews was my dad Greg and his wife Tonya. (Greg and Tonya have been attending First Baptist for several years now, but has always attended the early service. So, we have never sat together.) My mom arrived and found us and had a seat. So, for the first time in my life, I sat in a pew with my biological mother and father, all having shared in this year’s battle/journey. As the choir, music minister and church body rose to sing “Amazing Grace” I fought back tears of joy. Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound. That saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I’m found. Was blind, but now I see.

WOW! This year was one of God’s masterpieces. Thanks for sharing this journey with me and supporting me along the way. Remember that God’s children can make a big difference in someone’s struggles. Bring on 2014!!!

March 28, 2014
Health Update

It has been almost four months since I last updated you, so I figured it was time. But, let me first say that your support last year was amazing!!! I really appreciated God’s people lifting my family and I up during our struggles. We are forever indebted to you.

I have been struggling silently this year. My treatments are complete and the presumption is that the cancer is no longer. But, the scars- both emotional and physical remain.

I still struggle with the way I look. I cannot wait for my reconstruction surgery on May 21! I also am anxious to have longer, sexier hair. Depending on how it is styled- I look like a boy or an older lady. I still typically wear a wig, however I have ventured out a couple times this week without it. When I do, I am in public, but feel like I want to hide. I would never have chosen this hairstyle for myself! God is working on my patience some more.

I learned after several doctor’s appointments where nurses couldn’t find my blood pressure that radiation has damaged my thyroid. I was also struggling to get my steroid/inactivity weight off and my hair came back very gray. Research revealed that those were all symptoms of an underactive thyroid. So, after a blood test confirmed, I have added another prescription to my growing list.

I started Physical Therapy a few weeks ago, after struggling to open doors (Oh, it was bad, I can’t tell you how many times I have been in public and went to open a heavy door and nothing happened! I just stood there dumbfounded at why the door didn’t open. I have now learned to gauge doors as I approach them. I can quickly determine that that door is a “hip door”, or a “foot door” or a “hip and foot door”, all things that I now use to supplement my weakened upper body). I also have trouble swimming because my muscles are so tight and damaged. My mastectomy has caused major trauma to my muscles and connective tissues. I have strength and flexibility issues which Physical Therapy is helping with. I am also trying to ease my way back in to exercise, however, sometimes just keeping up with my day is exercise enough. My stamina is weakened. If I could get some physical stamina back, I think it would help my emotional stamina.

I am ready to soar again. I have a deep desire for emotional strength but, I struggle to find it. I have glimpses of the pre-cancer version of myself, with my superwoman mentality. But, those are distant memories. What remains is someone who had the crap scared out of her, someone who has seen so much love and support, but still feels beat down. Someone who was confident and now is not. But, I keep searching. I refuse to give up, I know in time I will not find the old, confident me, but a new, improved version. One that has come out on top!